I began to do mantras, and completed 100,000 Medicine Buddha mantras and Vajrasattva mantras and I began to see what kind of changes they'd evoke in me. My mind changed, became more flexible, less stiff and less invested in finding the easy way out.
I began to do a few prostrations. At first, the counting aspect completely baffled me. How do I keep track of how many I've completed? Someone recommended a tally counter from Staples. Bingo! Slowly, over a period of years, I accumulated 10,000, but I had no rhythm to my practice, no daily commitment to it. When I asked Rinpoche to be my teacher, he kindly accepted, and asked me to begin prostrations. I gulped and knew I'd have to bite the bullet.
To begin, I attended a foundation practices workshop given by Rinpoche at the Gompa. This is what I needed to anchor and more fully understand the purpose and motivation for the practice. The instructions were so helpful, including ideas for us to visualize a specific deity of our choosing to whom we did prostrations, or to envision others with us as we prostrated to the visualized Buddha in front of us. The most valuable nugget is a quote I keep in my day planner, to further motivate me: "Prostrations are the antidote for ego, self-centered mind, false pride and arrogance. It is also a good remedy for self-conscious mind. Mindfulness is the key to all foundation practice: The practice of breath and body, of mind, feeling, all phenomena."
He urged us to start with 25 a day, and work up to 100. This was good advice. At first, I tried to throw myself against the number 100,000. It became an aerobic test of strength. How strong was I? What could I do in a day? I perceived it as a sort of physical conditioning. I threw myself against the number as a fly might fling itself against the window, again and again. I was going to have some killer triceps and be able to wear sleeveless tops with stunning bravado! Quickly, I learned how wrong motivation can kill your practice. This, instead of being a defeat, was a breakthrough.
I began to be more careful about setting my motivation before beginning. Rather than a physical feat, I began to abandon all hope of ever completing this number. It was, after all, quite impossible. This freed me up to be present in each day's session. I was more present, focusing on the thought, "I take refuge in my Guru; I take refuge in the Buddha; I take refuge in the Dharma; I take refuge in the Sangha."
An interesting thing began to happen. In the practice, when I didn't want to begin, just doing 10 prostrations would pull me along to do 30. Doing 30 created the motivation to do more. Pretty soon, 100 a day wasn't hard anymore. It was enjoyable. I began to look forward to beginning my day this way. I didn't stress as much if my practice changed, and the prostrations became the core of my practice. For awhile, I felt guilty "neglecting" my other sadhanna practices. Oh, well. THIS is my practice, for now.
Soon, I would just "know" when I'd completed 108 prostrations without looking. I tried for awhile to rationalize that I wouldn't need to complete 108,000 prostrations, but Carolea was doing that many, and I couldn't be caught shirking, now could I? It was unthinkable to add more to the magic 100,000 number; yet, that's my goal now.
In the quiet of my breath and the exertion required for this practice, I've discovered a stillness and a grounding that I didn't know existed before. And I've come to know why this is so important a practice. It's the sheer impossibility of it that is the teaching. At its core, it seems impossible, just like enlightenment. To me, the core teaching in this practice is that all things are achievable, little steps at a time. Just one day, one set of practice soon leads to the goal and that's where I am today. It's unthinkable how I got here, a little over a third of the way to my goal. I think less about getting to the finish line now, and I have taken refuge in this practice especially in times of crisis.
