Domestic Violence

Alternatives To Violence of the Palouse, Inc.
Help for victims and survivors of domestic and sexual violence, friends and non-offending family members, with a focus on prevention education and community outreach.

Domestic Violence

24-hour Crisis Hotlines:

(208) 883-HELP or
(509) 332-HELP

Collect crisis calls will be accepted.

What Is Battering?
Is Your Relationship Based On Equality?
Is Your Relationship Based On Power And Control?
Why Is It Difficult To Leave?
Warning Signs
Abuse Checklist
Your Personal Safety Plan
Going To The Emergency Room Or Hospital
Calling The Police
Getting Support And Counseling
Going To A Shelter
Getting An Order Of Protection

Domestic Violence Statistics(new addition 5/22/07)

Resources

Change (a poem by Portia Nelson)

WHAT IS BATTERING?

Battering is a pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another person; through fear and intimidation, often including the threat of or use of violence. Battering happens when one person believes they are entitled to control another person.
Assault, battering, and domestic violence are crimes!

Definition: Abuse of family members or romantic partners can take many forms. Battering may include emotional, economic, physical, and/or sexual abuse, manipulation, isolation, and a variety of other behaviors used to maintain fear, intimidation, and power. In all cultures, the perpetrators are most commonly male. Women are most commonly the victims of domestic violence. Elder and child abuse are also prevalent. Abuse also occurs in gay and lesbian relationships. The key to abuse is that one partner exerts control over the other.

Acts of domestic violence fall into one or more of the following categories:

Physical Battering: The abuser's physical attacks or aggressive behavior can range from bruising to murder. It often begins with what is excused as trivial contacts which can escalate into more frequent and serious attacks.

Sexual Abuse: Physical attacks by the abuser can be accompanied by, or can culminate in, sexual violence, including any forced
sexual activity.

Psychological Abuse: This form of abuse can include verbal abuse, harassment, excessive possessiveness, isolation from friends and family, deprivation of physical and economic resources, and destruction of personal property.

Battering Escalates: Abuse often begins with name calling, violence in their partner's presence (like punching a fist through a wall), damage to objects or pets, and threats. It may escalate to restraining, pushing, and/or slapping. The battering may also include punching, kicking, biting, and sexual assault. Finally, it may become life threatening with behaviors such as choking, breaking bones, hitting with objects, or the use of weapons.

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IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP BASED ON EQUALITY?

OR, IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP BASED ON POWER AND CONTROL?

WHY IS IT DIFFICULT TO LEAVE?

All too often the question "Why do they stay in a violent relationship?" is answered with a victim blaming attitude. Victims may be told that they must like or need such treatment, or they would leave. They may be told they "love too much" or have "low self-esteem." The truth is that no one enjoys being hurt or beaten. A victim's reasons for staying are many. It may be dangerous to leave the abuser, (a woman is at much higher risk of serious injury and murder if she leaves), the victim may be financially dependent upon the abusive partner, or leaving could mean living in fear of and/or losing custody of children.

BARRIERS TO LEAVING

Lack of Resources:

Most women have at least one dependent child.

Many women are not employed outside of the home.

Many women have no property that is solely theirs.

Some women lack access to cash or bank accounts.

Women who leave fear losing children and joint assets.

A woman may face a decline in living standards.

Institutional Responses:

Shelters may be full.

Clergy may be trained to see the ultimate goal as saving a marriage, not ending the violence.

In some cases, police attitudes (like larger societal attitudes) may sometimes treat domestic violence as a "family matter" and not a crime.

Prosecutors are sometimes reluctant to prosecute and judges rarely give maximum sentences to convicted abusers.

Despite assurances of restraining orders, there is little that can prevent a released abuser from returning and repeating the assault.

Traditional Thinking:

Many women do not believe divorce is an alternative.

Many women believe that a single parent family is unacceptable, and that even a violent father is better than no father at all.

Many women believe they are responsible for making their marriage work.

Many women become isolated from friends and families, either by a jealous and possessive abuser, or to hide signs of the abuse from the outside world. This isolation contributes to a sense that there is nowhere to turn.

Many women rationalize their abuser's behavior by blaming stress, alcohol, problems at work/school, unemployment or other stress factors.

Many women are taught that their identity and worth are based on getting and keeping a man.

The abuser rarely beats the victim all the time. During the non-violent phases, the abuser may fulfill the victim's dreams of romantic love. The victim believes that the abuser is basically a "good person," and this may reinforce the decision to stay. The victim may also rationalize that the abuser is basically good until something bad happens and then the abuser has to "let off steam."

"The physical abuse escalated during my marriage. It got more frequent and serious over time and so did my feelings of guilt, of shame about it, of dependence on the relationship. I remember a desperate desire to just be a better person so he wouldn't beat me."
~ a battered woman, Latah County, ID

REMEMBER: ABUSE HAPPENS IN DIFFERENT SEX RELATIONSHIPS, SAME SEX RELATIONSHIPS, TEENAGE RELATIONSHIPS, AND TO THE ELDERLY. MEN CAN ALSO BE VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.

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WARNING SIGNS

The following signs often occur before actual abuse and may serve as clues to potential abuse.

Did the person grow up in a violent family? People who grow up in violent households have grown up learning that violence is a normal behavior.

Does the person tend to use force or violence to "Solve" problems? Does the person have a quick temper, over-react to little problems and frustrations? Is the person cruel to animals? Does the person punch walls or throw things when upset? These behaviors may be a sign of a person who will work out bad feelings with violence.

Does the person abuse alcohol or other drugs? There is a relationship between violence and problems with drugs and/or alcohol. Be alert to possible drinking/drug problems, particularly if the person refuses to admit that s/he has a problem, or refuses to get help. Do not think you can change the person.

Does the person have strong traditional ideas about male and female roles? Does the person think that a woman should stay at home, take care of her husband, and follow his wishes?

Is the person jealous of other relationships? -not just with other men/women that you may know, but also with same sex friends and your family? Does the person keep tabs on you, want to know where you are at all times, or want you with him/her all the time?

Does the person expect you to follow his/her orders or advice? Does the person become angry if you do not fulfill his/her wishes or if you cannot anticipate what s/he wants?

Does the person seem to have two sides? Is the person extremely kind at times, but cruel at other times?

Does the person have access to guns, knives, or other weapons? Does the person talk of using them against people, or threaten to use them to get even?

When the person gets angry, do you fear him/her? Do you find that not making the person angry is becoming a major part of your life? Do you do what the person wants you to do, rather than what you want to do?

Does the person treat you roughly? Holding you down, grabbing you, or backing you into a corner or wall?

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ABUSE CHECKLIST

Does your partner...

Embarrass or make fun of you in front of friends or family?

Put down your accomplishments or goals?

Make you feel like you are unable to make decisions?

Use intimidation or threats to get you to agree with him/her?

Tell you that you are nothing without him/her?

Treat you roughly - grab, push, pinch, shove or hit you?

Call you or show up to make sure you are where you said you would be?

Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things, or for abusing you?

Blame you for how s/he feels or acts?

Pressure you sexually?

Make you feel like there is no way out of the relationship?

Prevent you from doing things you want?

Try to keep you from leaving after a fight, or leave you somewhere after a fight to "teach you a lesson"?

Do you...

Sometimes feel sacred of how your partner will react?

Make excuses to other people for your partner's behavior?

Believe that you can help your partner change if only you changed something about yourself?

Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry?

Feel like no matter what you do, your partner is never happy with you?

Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want?

Stay with your partner because you're afraid of what your partner would do if you left?

If any of these things are happening in your relationship, talk to someone. Without help the abuse will continue.

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YOUR PERSONAL SAFETY PLAN

If you leave the relationship, or are thinking of leaving, it could be helpful, if at all possible, to make a plan beforehand. Knowing what your options are and what help is available in your community can make the decision easier on you and your children.

Suggestions for increasing safety while in the relationship:

I will have important phone numbers available for myself and my children.

I can tell _________________________ and _____________________________ about the violence and ask them to call the police if they hear suspicious noises coming from my home.

If I leave home, I can call Alternatives to Violence of the Palouse about the shelter or go to _____________________________ or _______________________________.

I can leave extra money, car keys, clothes, and copies of documents with __________________________ or _____________________________.

If I leave, I will bring: ______________________________________________________. (see checklist)

To ensure safety and independence I can: keep change for phone calls with me, open my own bank account, rehearse my escape route with a support person, and review my safety plan.

Suggestions for increasing safety when the relationship is over:

I can: change the locks, install a peep-hole, outside lighting, smoke detectors, security alarm, window locks or dowel.

I will inform ___________________________ and _________________________ that my partner no longer lives with me and ask them to call the police if s/he is observed near my home or children.

I will tell the people who take care of my children the names of those who have permission to pick them up. The people who have permission are: ______________________________________.

I can tell __________________________ at work about my situation and ask ______________________ and ______________________ to screen my calls.

I can avoid stores, banks and _____________________________________ that I have used when living with my partner.

I can obtain a protective order with the help of Alternatives to Violence of the Palouse.

I can keep a copy of my protective order on me and in my car. I can leave a copy with my childcare provider(s)/children's school(s) ________________________________ and ______________________________.

If I feel down and ready to return to a potentially abusive situation, I can call an advocate at Alternatives to Violence of the Palouse 24 hours a day, or I can call ___________________________ or ________________________________.

I can join a support group at Alternatives to Violence of the Palouse or _____________________________.

If I am stalked, harassed, or further abused I can call law enforcement/police at 911 for an immediate response.

I can call Alternatives to Violence of the Palouse 24 hours a day about possible safe, temporary, confidential shelter for myself and my children.

Important Phone Numbers:

Law Enforcement/Police:    911

Alternatives to Violence of the Palouse 24 hour Hotline and Shelter: (208) 883-4357 or (509) 332-4357, collect calls accepted

Friends/Family:___________________________________________________________

Pastor:__________________________________________________________________

Items to Take CHECKLIST:

Identification

Birth certificates for myself and my children

Social security cards for myself and my children

School and medical records

Money, bank cards, credit cards

Keys - house, car, office

Driver's License and car registration and insurance

Medications

Change of clothes

Passport(s), Green Card(s), work permit(s)

Divorce papers

Lease/rental agreement or house deed

Mortgage payment book

Insurance papers (medical, other)

Address/phone book

Children's favorite toys/blankets

Pictures, jewelry, items of sentimental value

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GOING TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM OR HOSPITAL

Take good care of yourself, you deserve it. Ask the hospital to make a record of your injuries, even if you don't feel safe telling them how you were hurt. The records could help you later, if you decide to get an order of protection or make a report to law enforcement.

If you feel safe, tell the hospital staff exactly what happened to you and how you were hurt.

If the abuser is with you, try to be alone with the hospital staff.

You might want to take a friend, or ask for an advocate from Alternatives to Violence of the Palouse to be with you for support.

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CALLING THE POLICE

If you have been beaten, sexually assaulted or threatened, you can call 911. Law enforcement will come to your home. You can also call law enforcement hours after you have been abused, and even the next day.

When the law enforcement officers arrive at your house, show them any legal or court papers you may have, for example a no-contact order, protection order, or restraining order.

The law enforcement officers will tell you about your legal rights.

The law enforcement officers can give you and your children a ride to a hospital or a safe place. They can go with you to your house to get clothes, medicine, and other important items.

The law enforcement officers will listen to you and make a written statement.

Tell the law enforcement officers what happened, and give them as much detail as possible. They will write down, or tape record, what you say. If you have any injuries, tell the officers so photographs can be taken.

The law enforcement officers will give you a list of resources in the community that you can call for help and information.

Be sure and write down the officers' names. This information can be important if you have any questions about what will happen next. Law enforcement understands that you are concerned about your safety.

Show the law enforcement officers any evidence, such as torn or bloody clothing, broken objects, and/or weapons, so that they can take them as evidence. Give the officers the names and telephone numbers of any witnesses.

If you are leaving your house you can ask the officers to wait while you pack for your immediate needs (see checklist).

If the abuser is taken to jail, s/he may be released quickly. The abuser most likely will be given the opportunity to post a bond and get out of jail. Be prepared. The abuser may be released within a few hours. To help you better plan for your safety you can check with the jail to see if the abuser will be released.

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GETTING SUPPORT AND COUNSELING

Having an abusive partner can be scary and confusing for the whole family. If your closest friends and family do not know how you really feel, or do not understand why you are still in the relationship, it may be hard to ask for help. However, sharing your story with an advocate, counselor or others who have been in your situation may begin to connect you with other people who can ease your loneliness. You will get understanding, support and information. For places to call that can help you and your children, see the resource list.

Alternatives to Violence of the Palouse provides free confidential services, without discrimination, to women, men, and children who have been affected by domestic violence. This can include advocacy-based counseling with trained individuals who support survivors in an individual, family or group setting; information and referral services; and 24-hour crisis intervention from ATVP staff and volunteers.

Support groups are available for victims and survivors, as well as non-offending parents, to share like experiences and offer support to one another in a safe, confidential setting. Goals include education, empowerment, self-esteem building, problem solving, reduction of anxiety and stress resulting from victimization, and safety issues. Child advocacy is provided.

For information on any of the services Alternatives to Violence of the Palouse can provide, please contact us.

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GOING TO A SHELTER

On the Palouse there is a secure, confidential shelter available for you and your children, provided by Alternatives to Violence of the Palouse. There is no charge to stay at the shelter, which provides temporary housing, food, personal care items and emergency clothing. Advocates are available to help you with your transition to independent living through assistance with housing relocation, children's schooling, applications for benefits, goal setting, and emotional support. Also on-site are child advocates that can help your children cope with their new surroundings and their difficult situation.

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GETTING AN ORDER OF PROTECTION

You may be able to get an order of protection from the court that will tell the abuser to do certain things. You do not need a lawyer and you don't have to call law enforcement if you want a protection order. You will have to talk to a Judge. Legal advocates are available to help you through Alternatives to Violence of the Palouse.

If you are married to the abuser, you do not have to file for divorce to get an order for protection. You may also need a protection order even if you already have a restraining order or no-contact order. You can talk to a legal advocate about your safety and to decide if a protection order is right for you.

WHERE DO YOU GO?

To get a protection order, go to the courthouse nearest to where you live, in the county where you reside. On the Palouse there are courthouses in Colfax, Pullman and Moscow.

Legal advocates through Alternatives to Violence of the Palouse are available to provide you the appropriate forms, help you fill out the paperwork and support you at the court hearing.

The Clerk of the Court will give you the forms to file with the court. There is no charge in Latah and Whitman Counties for filing for a domestic violence protection order.

You are required to write a statement about the abuse so that the Judge can make a determination on issuing the order. A legal advocate can support you in doing this.

WHAT WILL HAPPEN?

When you file the paperwork, a hearing for a temporary order may be held immediately.

If the judge issues your temporary order, a second hearing will be set within fourteen days for the permanent order. Permanent orders usually last 90 days in Latah County and 1 year in Whitman County, but in both counties the orders can be extended.

The temporary order begins to take effect once it is served on the abuser. The Judge orders the local law enforcement agency to find and serve the abusers with the order.

You will need to collect information to present at the permanent order hearing. Examples of what you may need for court are: witnesses, pictures of your injuries, medical reports, law enforcement reports, your statement.

The Judge can: order the abuser to stop the violence and leave the home, order the abuser to not contact you (in person, by the phone, by letter or through a third party), decide temporary custody and visitation rights if you have children, order the abuser to go to treatment or counseling, ask law enforcement to assist you with certain things.

Carry a copy of you protection order with you at all times.

Give copies of you protection order to your children's day-care providers, schools, and your workplace for added protection.

It is a crime to violate a protection order. If your abuser continues to harass, assault or contact you call 911.

If you wish to drop or make changes to the protection order, remember only the Judge can do that. Therefore, you need to return to the courthouse and fill out the appropriate forms.

REMEMBER: A LEGAL ADVOCATE THROUGH ALTERNATIVES TO VIOLENCE OF THE PALOUSE IS AVAILABLE TO HELP YOU EVERY STEP OF THE WAY.

"I remember looking at him and thinking, he's right - no one will believe me, he was respected and well liked. I was nobody - who would help me? Maybe I did deserve it."
~ a battered woman, Whitman County, WA

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Family and Domestic Violence Fact Sheet

National Facts

In 2000, 1,247 women and 440 men were killed by an intimate partner. 20% of violent crime against women was intimate partner violence.¹

33% of victims of intimate partner violence state the offender was a spouse, 14% a former spouse and 53% a current or former boyfriend or girlfriend.³

On November 2^nd, 2006, a national survey (with responses from 62% of programs) reported the following:

During the 24 hour reporting period, just under 17,000 hotline calls were taken,

47,864 adults and children received domestic violence services.³

IdahoFacts

6,273 incidents of intimate part violence, 2,045 incidents of family violence and 6,518 of “other relational violence” were reported in Idaho in 2003.⁴

In 2003, the relationship of victim to offender was a family relationship for 27.6% of victims of crimes against persons in Idaho.⁵

33.3% of murder victims in Idaho in 2003 were killed by an acquaintance, while 18.2% were killed by an intimate partner and 21.2% were killed by someone to whom they were related by blood or marriage. ⁶

In 2003, 185 aggravated assaults and 2,313 simple assaults were committed by the victim’s spouse.⁷

Homicide & Domestic Violence Facts

More than 9 times as many women were murdered by a man they knew (1,587) thank were killed by male strangers (168)⁸

54% of female homicides were committed with firearms, more than with all other weapons combined.⁹

Two-thirds of female victims killed with firearms were killed by their male partners.¹⁰

^{1, 2}Rennison, US Dept. of Justice Bureau of Justice Statistics “Intimate Partner Violence, 1993-2001” (Feb 2003)

³NNEDV National Census of Domestic Violence Services (www.nedv.org/census)

^{4,5,6,7Idaho State Police Bureau of Criminal Identification. Crime In Idaho 2003: Crimes Against Persons.}



WA State Domestic Violence Fatalities Review

Between January 1, 1997 and June 30, 2004 at least 281 people were killed by domestic violence abusers in Washington state.(This number is most likely an undercount). The homicide victims included the domestic violence victims, their friends, family members, new partners and intervening law enforcement officers. The majority of the homicide victims (63%) were women killed by their current or former husband or boyfriend.¹¹

Homicides-suicides comprised a significant portion of domestic violence homicides. Almost a third (32%) of the 260 abusers who committed homicides between January 1, 1997 and June 30, 2004 committed homicide-suicides. An additional six abusers killed themselves after attempting homicide.¹²

Firearms were the most common weapon used in domestic violence homicides. Between January 1, 1997 and June 30, 2004, domestic violence abusers used firearms to kill 57% of domestic violence homicide victims.¹³

Contact Information

Alternatives to Violence of the Palouse

Hotline Numbers:                    Local, 208-883-4357 (HELP)    and     509-332-4357 (HELP)



                                                Toll free, 1-877-334-2887

Contacts:

                                                Holly Campbell, Domestic Violence Services Coordinator

                                                Mary Gutierrez, Moscow Office and Volunteer Coordinator

                                                Gretta Jarolimek, Assistant Director

                                                Nikki Finnestead, Sexual Assault Services Coordinator

Andrea Piper, All Crimes Coordinator

                                                Christine Wall, Executive Director

Web page:                              atvp.org.

Email:                                      home@atvp.org

^8,9,10Volence Policy Center Annual Report: 2004 (FBI Statistics).

11,12,13 Every Life Lost Is a Call for Change: Findings and Recommendations from the Washington State Domestic Violence Fatality Review, 2004 (wscadv.org)

RESOURCES

Police and Sheriff's Offices, Latah and Whitman Counties

Alternatives to Violence of the Palouse
24 hr. Hotline and Crisis Intervention
Confidential, safe, free Shelter
Legal Advocacy
Support Groups
Information and Referral

Domestic Violence Hotline (Idaho State), 24 hrs.

Domestic Violence Hotline (Washington State), 24 hrs.

National Domestic Violence Hotline, 24 hrs.

Jail, Latah County, Idaho

Jail, Whitman County, Washington

Therapy/Counseling
     Latah County Mental Health
     Palouse River Counseling
     UI Counseling Center
     WSU Counseling Center

Information and Referrals
     UI Women's Center
     WSU Women's Resource Center

911

(208) 883-4357, or
(509) 332-4357
COLLECT CALLS ACCEPTED

1 (800) 669-3176

1 (800) 562-6025

1 (800) 797-SAFE (7233)
1 (800) 787-3244 TTY

(208) 882-2216, ask for Jail

(509) 397-6266, ask for Jail

(208) 882-0562
(509) 334-1133
(208) 885-6716
(509) 335-4511

(208) 885-6616
(509) 335-6849

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CHANGE

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It takes me forever to get out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my responsibility.
It still takes a long time to get out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I still fall in ... it's a habit ... but,
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
I walk down another street.
~ by Portia Nelson

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